Friday, May 2, 2014

Trading Hearts

It is hard to believe that today marks two years since you left my arms for heaven, Isaac. Two years, and yet sometimes it feels just like yesterday that my heart was being ripped from my chest when your heart stopped beating on this earth. Two years, and the pain isn't any less. There are days when it takes every ounce of strength I have just to breathe. There are days when the pain of your absence, the kind of pain that takes my breath away, is so overwhelming that I am forced to live life one second at a time. Losing you was not a one time event. I didn't just lose you on the day that I held you in my arms as your heart beat for the very last time, but I have lost you every day since. Everyday I am faced with the reality that you are no longer here in my arms, and you never will be again this side of heaven. And, I HATE that reality. Every moment, every new experience, every new day is absent of you. I HATE that I have had to learn to live my life without you in my arms. I hate it with every part of my heart.

But, so much more than the pain of your absence, I LOVE that I had the incredible privilege of being your mommy. I LOVE that I had almost 19 amazing months with you when I was told I wouldn't have any. I LOVE that I was able to hold you, look into your eyes, sing to you, read to you, kiss your fuzzy cheeks, play with your hair, breathe you in, and love you with everything I had every second of every day. And that loving you makes the missing you SO MUCH HARDER! But, baby boy, you taught me to do hard things, and I will willingly accept this pain every day knowing that it is because I had the incredible privilege of having you as my son, even if only for a short time on this earth. 

I know your days were written before you were born, but the missing you is so incredibly painful. I am trying to be thankful for the time I had with you instead of being angry for the time I don't have with you, but sometimes it is just so hard. As much as I miss you bubby, I know that this life is not about me. You have forever changed me. You have radically changed my heart and my walk with God. I always knew there had to be more, and after having you, Isaac, I know there is. This world is not our home. We are just passing through. And you, Isaac, in the short time you were here touched more lives than most people do in a lifetime. I am so grateful that God let me be a part of that by choosing me to be your Mommy. The life that was touched the most was mine, baby boy. I will never be the same. You taught me to do hard things, baby. You taught me not to insulate myself from pain and suffering, but to open up my heart and love with everything I have even when the pain is unbearable. 

I hope with all of my heart you know just how much I love you. I miss you with all of my heart. Our temporary separation does not change that fact that I will always be your mommy and you were, and ALWAYS will be, my amazing son. As much as I wish I did not have to feel the pain of your absence, I will embrace the pain knowing it is because of the amazing love we shared. 

Baby boy, I would have given you my heart to save you, and while that wasn't physically possible, I guess in a way, we did trade hearts. The second you left my arms for heaven, your broken heart was instantly healed. Your heart is no longer broken, but is now perfect, and healthy and whole, and it is now I who will forever carry a broken heart on this earth. 

I miss you my sweet boy, and I love you forever. We are another year closer to being together forever. 


  1. Oh Steph.. I just dont know what to say. Your words were beautiful, and from the heart, but those pictures were breathtaking and heartbreaking, and so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that moment. <3 Hugs <3

  2. Thank you for letting me cry today. Thank you for understanding what it is like to loose a child and then to love a child again. You have to live it to understand what it is like to go through this. My son has been gone for 15 years, but my heart is still broken.

  3. I don't know you or your family, but got to your blog through the Lifeline FB group. I just wanted to let you know how much your post touched me. I cried reading through it and your son has made an impact on me, today. God's blessings to you and your family!

  4. I'm so sorry, Stephanie. Your Isaac was and is perfect.

  5. Stephanie, I was so touched by reading about your son. I was a mom of one child and I lost him at the age of 20 to cancer. I cannot tell you how much I miss him. I cannot tell you how hard Mother's Day is for me. I only had the one child and for some reason, that is the only day during the year that I hibernate and do nothing for that weekend. Not sure why, but I do not feel like a mom. I know if I had more children in my life, it would not be as hard. But knowing I will never have any more kids of my own, knowing that I will never have biological grandkids, I think makes it that much harder for me to do Mother's Day. My prayers go out to you as I know what kind of pain it is in losing a child.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. Isaac is a beautiful baby.
    I have 3 girls in Heaven. My daughter Joy only lived 5 months. (she had a heart defect) My daughter Molly only lived 27 years. (she had a neurological disease) And my daughter Angel was 28 when she died in a car accident. Joy and Molly were adopted. Angel was my first birthchild.
    I know exactly how you feel, you write about it beautifully. God Bless Isaac for saving Koah's life.
    Sending ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and prayers from MN :o)